4WF research phases 990902

The Phase of Wandering and Wondering

It was over 35 years ago that, having become convinced through personal experience and the writings of others of the enormous significance of that aspect of the human reproductive process known as romantic love, I elected to study the subject systematically.

My journey of exploration occurred in three identifiable phases. The research began with "love cards." These were assessments in which students anonymously selected statements that applied to them and rejected those that did not and with the paper and pencil surveys submitted to groups. Toward the end of that first phase, my emphasis had begun to shift from answers to questions posed by an investigator to the analysis of personal testimonies, those of volunteers as well as those of published biographers, autobiographers, novelists, and historians. The results supplied evidence of the importance of the topic and of its prevalence, but six years of investigation did not advance my understanding beyond Shakespeare.

The Phase of Limerence

Transition to the second phase was abrupt. It happened in the fall of 1973. Earlier that year I had presented the first formal paper on the subject at meetings of the American Psychological Association. Titled "Sex differences in romantic love among college students," it was based entirely on questionnaire results. There were sex differences in pencil and paper reports, but, as I was later to learn, examination of the details of the experience through interviews revealed more sex similarities than differences in the actual experience. The discovery in late November, of people who had not had, did not have, and declared that they could not imagine themselves having had the experience. This discovery of "nonlimerence" marked a turning point. By the time of a second formal paper in 1977 at an international conference, I had arrived at the conceptions found in Love and Limerence, and had begun to write the book.

The Phase of Confirmation

The third phase began in 1979 with the publication of Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, a book based largely on interviews that had exposed the weakness of paper and pencil assessments. The words of love admitted of different meanings. Once the book was available, new data in the form of voluntary written testimonials poured in from readers. Many of these letters used the same words: "What you describe is exactly what happened to me." Others said that they glad to learn that they were not alone, that as crazy as the condition was, it was not a sign of mental ill-health, but a normal state.

Limerence is an interaction between the perceived behavior of one person and the reactions of another. It occurs across sexual, racial, age, cultural, and other categories, and it endures as long as do the conditions that sustain it. When intense, limerence crowds other motives out of the psyche. In hindsight, it should not surprise the human nature scientist that a facet of reproductive functioning should have come to supercede other motivations over the course of evolution.

Limerence is not synonymous with meanings customarily attached to the term "infatuation." It occurs to people of all ages, can endure for years, and is not necessarily detectable on the basis of overt behavior. Furthermore, and most importantly, limerence is entirely absent in some relationships and in some people. In my judgment, both limerence and nonlimerence represent normal functioning. However, limerence presents problems for the modern individual. It causes inattention to other aspects of life, especially to responsibilities and to other relationships. Limerence for someone other than the spouse is a major cause of marital and family disruption. Furthermore, the limerent person's behavior may hinder rather than enhance a relationship with the desired person if a response in kind does not occur.

Reaction to Limerence Theory

How a person responds to Limerence Theory depends partly on acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. Although often the subject of romantic poetry and fiction, it has been called an "addiction," an "indication of low self-esteem," "neurotic," "erotomanic," and "delusional." Those individuals who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and may be resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological. Without first-hand experience, it seems inconceivable that anyone should assign so much importance to another person.

Fortunately, direct experience is not necessary to someone acquainted with the evidence. Many scientifically known phenomena are not directly perceivable. Although self-report is traditionally regarded with suspicion by scientists, reports that are as consistent with one another as these descriptions of limerence are hard to doubt.

Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love is a scientific book. That it may not seem so is part of the story itself. In finding limerence, a human condition distinct yet subject to obfuscation everywhere, we enter into new territory, the territory of the universal mental landscape. More will be found there as the exploration continues.