Q: The literature on
romantic love is voluminous and gets larger every day. What does your book have
to say that is different enough and important enough that people should bother
to read it? Hasn't everything that could be said about this subject already
been said?
DT: Not by a long
shot. Descriptions abound, but with the exception of some writings by
evolutionary anthropologists, almost everything written on being in love is
either romantic description or moralistic advice-giving.
Q: So what's wrong with
advice?
DT: Everything if you
are dealing with limerence. Since limerence
is involuntary and extremely tenacious, to advise a person to do what that
person absolutely would love to do but cannot, is not
helpful. Ironically, the feedback from readers is that Love and Limerence is helpful in one way at least. They say that it
tells them they are not alone in the craziness. It helps to be able to say to
yourself that that although caught in a crazy state, it's also a normal state
and one in which, when things are going right, produces the most intense joy
known to human experience. Limerence means an
irrationally overpowering condition. It appears to operate independently of
other aspects of the person's character or personality.
Q: Love and Limerence is categorized in the book stores as a self-help
book and yet you say you don't give advice. Isn't that a contradiction?
DT: I would have
placed it in the psychology section, specifically, in the evolutionary
psychology or even the human biology section, if there was one. Love and Limerence is descriptive, not proscriptive. In this, it is
most accurately characterized as human ethology.
Q: So what, exactly. is limerence?
DT: Through the
stories of hundreds of informants, a consistent pattern arose from the
vagueness and variety like the Loch Ness monster rising from the mist, vague at
first, but when further exposed, undeniable.
Q: So that consistent
pattern is what you call limerence?
DT: Exactly.
Q: And what is that
pattern?
DT: There is just one
person who is its object and intensity as measured by bodily sensations (e.g.,
yearning felt in sternum area) and thought intrusion is a predictable function
of the perceived behavior of the person who is its object. Limerence
is without reliable overt behavioral markers and can exist for long periods in
secret.
Q: It doesn't sound very
rational.
DT: It isn't. That's
why some people refer to it as love madness. It's something that happens to
you, not something you do. Although this may not be how it feels at the time,
this is how it is viewed retrospectively, especially when it has been unhappy
and prolonged.
Q: Doesn't limerence refer to an extreme condition?
DT: No, it refers to a
state that can become extreme. Extreme cases tend to be over represented in
voluntary data. Limerence is what the human ethologist calls "open." It is not an instinct
that plays out in an inevitable sequence of phases but is rather dependent for
its course and intensity on external factors.
Q: What do you mean by
"external factors"?
DT: I mean the
behavior of others, especially that of the person whose reciprocation is its
object. It is also affected by circumstances such as parental or societal
objections.
Q: Do you mean that it
can be induced by parental support?
DT: On the contrary,
it is strengthened by externally-imposed barriers.
Q: As in Romeo and
Juliet?
DT: Yes.
Q: But if it is called
"love madness," doesn’t limerence
sometimes exist in a pathological form, one that creates a stalker, or a
"fatal" attraction?
DT: I draw a blank on
that. Glenn Close’s character seems an exaggerated
caricature in comparison with anything I've seen. The answers, maybe even
procedures that will reduce the dangers, may come from research that brings the
ability to identify it unambiguously in a given individual.
Q: How do you explain
the mixed reactions to limerence on the part of
scientists and journalists?
DT: The reactions of
colleagues and journalists have been mixed in a manner explainable by limerence theory itself. One reacts, at least initially,
according to one’s own experience. The history of
science is rife with examples of resistance when scientific knowledge replaced
prior belief. But it is in the nature of science that it will win out in the
end. With more scientific knowledge of this aspect of human reproduction,
people will react to the knowledge, regardless of personal experience just as
today we conceptualize the earth as a globe despite experiences of apparent
flatness.
Q: What has been
learned about limerence in the two decades since Love
and Limerence?
DT: There were some
differences between the image of limerence based on
prepublication research and the new data that came largely through the mail.
Those few differences are not lethal to the main ideas. For example, my initial
conceptions did not place the possible age of first limerence
over so broad a range as that reported by readers of Love and Limerence. They also suggest that first limerence
can occur at any adult age. (It might also occur at younger ages, but children
don't write letters to authors.) Post-publication data also suggest a greater
incidence of secret and long-sustained limerence than
was suggested by the original data. Durations were not always specified, but
among those who indicated the length of their limerence,
no duration was less than three years, which is a longer minimal duration of
(unreturned) limerence than we had previously
assumed.
Q: What is the
relationship between limerence and sex?
DT: Limerence is a sexual response.
Q: What happens when limerence is satisfied?
DT:
"Requited" limerence initiates a euphoric
honeymoon period followed by a slow decline in experienced intensity. It's a
well known pattern.
Q: Is there any real
difference between being limerent and not being limerent?
DT: Those who gave
testimony say yes, but there may be times when limerence
is at low ebb, either in a mutual relationship, or during final stages of
hopelessness, at which limerence is barely
noticeable. It is a matter to be settled at the physiological level. Some
researchers are exploring behavioral and physiological measures (e.g., brain
wave patterns and hormonal secretions) associated with social and sexual
partnerships in humans and in other animals. Eventually, physiological
detection of limerence may be possible.
Q: Would you say that limerence is a new and previously unidentified disease to
which some may be immune?
DT: When we know the
physiological mechanisms, we may find that some are indeed immune, but evidence
against the possibility that some people lack the mechanism are cases in which limerence occurred for the first time late in life. And although
it resembles a disease in some ways, I see it as a normal adaptation, an
instinctual reaction, if you will, that through the
course of evolutionary history proved valuable to species endurance.
Q: Is it possible to
avoid limerence?
DT: Some have reported
wishing to avoid it but being unable to do so. Since at the beginning of an
attraction that will become limerent, you feel both
free and happy (you walk on air), it is hard to resist once it starts.
Q: Wasn’t
your nonrandom, self-initiated sampling method inadequate?
DT: That depends on
questions asked and conclusions drawn. If one is interested in differences in limerence incidence among various groups of people, a
serious biasing factor in my database is that those who achieve full and quick
reciprocation or those unfamiliar with the state do not submit testimony. But
the only conclusion I draw from the evidence obtained thus far is that the
state exists in some people. A single case would also enable that conclusion to
be drawn. From the data of several hundred, even if they were mostly limerent at the time and self-selected, it appears that limerence is not rare, a. conclusion further borne out by
literature, especially biography.
Q: You have mentioned
social problems that limerence research might
encounter or even bring about?
DT: There are social
problems that better understanding of the phenomenon might help. For example,
the danger to families and children might be reduced.
Q: What are the basic
categories of people regarding limerence?
DT: There are three
possibilities: (1) those who have experienced limerence in the past, but are no longer in its grip (2)
those who are currently limerent, (3) those who have
not (yet) experienced limerence. The categories do
not represent types of people but the status of a person at any given time.
There seems to be a tendency for limerence status to
be maintained, but this can change during a person's lifetime.
Q: Isn't it also true
that people who are limerent criticize their nonlimerent lovers calling them "cold," " unfeeling," and "unable to truly
love"?
DT: Yes, and knowing
about limerence might help LOs
to understand better what is going on and what to do. Generally, this means
breaking an impossible relationship cleanly by declaring nonlimerence
(although even that is not a sure-fire strategy). But surely, if limerence were better understood, it might be better
controlled.
Q: Much that is written
about romantic love is advice. Do you have any opinions about the effectiveness
of advice to the lovelorn?
DT: Advice givers are
more effective when they recognize that advice to a nonlimerent
might not be suitable for a limerent person. The snap
out of it approach does not work with an involuntary condition. Most letters to
me did not ask for advice. If they read the book, they knew that there was no advice I could give that was not implied by knowledge of the
laws of limerence. But among the few who did
ask a question or for help, this is a gem: "Dr. Tennov.
Please help me. I cannot tell my psychiatrist. He'd think I'm crazy". It
sounded like a joke at first, but even if a joke, the person differentiated
between whatever was or might be the subject of psychotherapy and the distress
resulting from unrequited limerence. In other words, limerence is distinguished from the condition for which a
person might seek therapy.
Q: Are you implying
that psychotherapy is not helpful?
DT: It depends. Some
therapists have reported using Love and Limerence as
a kind of adjunct, but disastrous results, saddest of all being limerence for the psychotherapist, have been reported.
Q: Can limerence really be hidden?
DT: I think it can be
hidden and often is known only to the limerent
person. The pangs of severe limerence pain can be
covered over by a seemingly calm and even joyful exterior.
Q: What about the other
side of the coin, the problem of having someone develop
limerence with you as an object. How is that best
handled when you do not return the feelings?
DT: First of all, be
careful not to assume yourself to be an LO based on actions equally consistent
with friendship or nonlimerent sexual attraction.
Being a nonlimerent object of limerence
is not pleasant, although the willingness of the limerent
person to cater to your demands, including monetary and sexual demands, puts
that person at risk of exploitation, sometimes exploitation that is inadvertent
on the part of LO.
End of Q & A on limerence
Copyright © 1999 Dorothy Tennov All
Rights Reserved